riley-coyote:

officialprostitute:

why do dads sneeze so loud

#to scare predators away from their young

untexting:

i’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one

(Source: greetings)

I’ve discovered there’s a lot you can do inside haunted houses.

fictionalfeather:

For example, you can:

  • be in a shampoo commercial

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  • start a boy band:

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  • spot some choice booty:

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  • break into song:

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  • see some people in frankly offensive outfits:

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  • attend a metal show:

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  • listen to some sick jams:

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  • discover zombieism:

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  • sample some tasty snacks:

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  • watch someone get burned bad:

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  • find something you really like:

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  • find something you really, really like:

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  • find something you REALLY REALLY LIKE:

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  • and wonder if you left the stove on:

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m4ge:

Dresses are so nice they’re just tubes of fabric you can throw on with very little effort and when you wear one and people are like “oh wow you dressed up you look really nice” but it’s like

ah yes my disguise is working. you think i cared this morning